Must Read


This is a collection of interesting articles which my friends e-mailed to me. If you have humourous or spooky articles, please send it to me. Click on the index below to start.

Scary Stories

Strange Stuff
The Babysitter's Phonecall
The Thoughtful Roommate
The Bad guy in the Backseat
Attempted Mall Murder
The Vanishing Hitchhiker
La Charona
San Antonio Bus Tragedy
Scary Stuff

Humor

Diary of a mad viagra housewife
3 Weddings & A Newspaper
Questions asked by lawyers
66 ways to please a girl!!!
Little Johnny
Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic???
Chemical Definition of the element Woman (Wo)
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Last Wish
Inspirational Moments
Family Planning - The Sikh style
Smart Replies
Bubba
Ah Beng Jokes

Love Stories

Meaningful Love Quotes
Love
A smart love letter

Others

Trick your eyes



Strange Stuff


Just Plain Bad Luck

A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.

Always Look Both Ways

Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.

Take Novocaine

Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.

Never Return to the Scene

George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.

Poor Sucker

Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.

Check the pulse first

In 1983, Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.

Fraud does't pay

A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.


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Scary Stuff


Once there was a a beautiful young girl who lived in a small town just south of Farmersburg. Her parends had to go to town for a short while, so they left their daughter home alone, but protected by her dog, which was a very large collie. The parents told the girl to lock all the windows and doors after they had left. And at about 8:00pm the parents went to town.

So doing what she was told the girl shut and locked evey window and every door. But there was one window in the basement that would not close completely. Trying as best as she could she finally got the window shut, but it would not lock. So she left the window, and went back upstairs. But just to make sure that no one could get in, she put the dead-bolt lock on the basement door. Then she sat down had some dinner and decided to go to sleep for the night.

Settling down to sleep at about 12:00 she snuggled up with the dog and fell asleep. But at one point, she suddenly woke up. She turned and looked at the clock... it was 2:30. She snuggled down again wondering what had woken her..... when she heard a noise. It was a dripping sound. She thought that she had left the water running, and now it was dripping into the drain of her sink. So thinking it was no big deal she decided to go back to sleep. But she felt nervous so she reached her hand over the edge of her bed, and let the dog lick her hand for reasurance that he would protect her.

Again at about 3:45 she woke up hearing drippping. She was slightly angry now but went back to sleep anyway. Again she reached down and let the dog lick her hand. Then she fell back to sleep. At 6:52 the girl decided that she had had enough... she got up just in time to see her parents were pulling up to the house. "good" she thought "now somebody can fix the sink...cause i know i didn't leave it running"

She walked to the bathroom and there was the collie dog, skinned and hung up on the curtain rod. The noise she heard was its blood dripping into a puddle on the floor. The girl screamed and ran to her bedroom to get a weapon, incase someone was still in the house.....and there on the floor, next to her bed she saw a small note, written in blood, saying, "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO MY BEAUTIFUL" Now it is time for you to lock all the windows and doors.


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66 ways to please a girl!!!


  1. Watch the sunset together.
  2. Back rubs/massage.
  3. Listen to classical music.
  4. Whisper to each other.
  5. Cook for each other.
  6. Hold hands.
  7. Sit and talk for a long time. Not to solve a problem, just to talk.
  8. Buy gifts for each other.
  9. Roses.
  10. Find out their favorite cologne/perfume and wear it every time you're together.
  11. Watch the stars.
  12. Incense / candles/ and music make for great romance.
  13. Lightly kiss their jawbone just below the ear, then whisper I love you.
  14. Go for a long walk down the beach at midnight.
  15. Write poetry for each other.
  16. Kiss/smell her hair.
  17. Hugs are the universal medicine.
  18. Say I love you, only when you mean it and make sure they know you mean it.
  19. Give random gifts of flowers/candy/poetry etc.
  20. Tell her that she's the only girl you ever want. Don't lie.
  21. Spend every second possible together.
  22. Look into each other's eyes.
  23. Very lightly push up her chin, look into her eyes, tell her you love her, and kiss her lightly.
  24. When in public, only flirt with each other.
  25. Put love notes in their pockets when they aren't looking.
  26. Buy her a ring. (But be careful! Any jewlery is a MAJOR sign that you are in love.)
  27. Sing to each other.
  28. Read to each other.
  29. PDA =3D Public Display of Affection.
  30. Take advantage of any possible time together, and have fun!
  31. Tell her about how you answered every question in math with her name. (but don't really do it, we don't want you to fail)
  32. Draw. (If you can do it like Leonado Di comprio)
  33. Go hiking and camp out together in the woods or on a mountain with a group of friends or with family.
  34. Take her to dinner and do the dinner for two deal.
  35. Spaghetti... (Ever see Lady and the Tramp?)
  36. Hold her hand, stare into her eyes, kiss her hand and then put it over your heart.
  37. Remember the 6in rule. If you are farther then 6in from her, there is probably something wrong!
  38. Dance together.
  39. Sit in front of a roaring fire and drink hot cocco.
  40. Do cute things like write I love you in a note so that they have to look in a mirror to read it.
  41. Make excuses to call them every 5 minutes (this is harder for cadets, so it makes it worth 10 times more brownie points, especially if the last reason you give is something like "actually the real reasons for me calling 50 times, is because hearing your voice is like oxygen to my heart. I love you" Yeah it is corney, but it is just a start)
  42. Even if you are really busy doing something, go out of your way to call and say I love you.
  43. Call from your vacation spot to tell them you were thinking about them.
  44. Remember your dreams and tell her about them.
  45. Ride your bike 8 miles just to see them for a few hours.
  46. Ride/drive home and call them.
  47. Tell each other your most sacred secrets/fears.
  48. Be Prince Charming to her parents. (Brownie Points)
  49. Brush her hair out of her face for her. (oh and to clarify the hair thing. We HATE for you to muss it, but we simply LOVE for you to play with it/brush it/stroke it)
  50. Stay up all night to think of 66 ways to be sweet to them.
  51. Hang out with his/her friends. (more brownie points)
  52. Go to church/pray/worship together.
  53. Take her to see a romantic movie and remember the parts she liked.
  54. Cuddle together under a full moon on a clear night.
  55. Learn from each other and don't make the same mistake twice. Everyone deserves a second chance.
  56. Describe the joy you feel just to be with him/her.
  57. Make sacrifices for each other.
  58. Really love each other, or don't stay together.
  59. Write a fictional story about how you met/fell in love, etc. and give it to them.
  60. Let there never be a second during any given day that you aren't thinking about them, and make sure they know it.
  61. Love yourself before you love anyone else. (besides God and mom)
  62. Learn to say sweet things in foreign languages.
  63. Dedicate songs to them on the radio.
  64. Fall asleep on the phone with each other.
  65. Stand up for them when someone talks trash.
  66. Never forget the kiss goodnight. And always remember to say, "Sweet dreams."


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Little Johnny


An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, "If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?" One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all fly away." The teacher congratulates her on her correct answer.

Little Johnny, however, disagreed. He said, "No, there would be one -- the one that the farmer shot." The teacher replied, "No, Johnny, you're wrong, but I like the way you think." "OK, teacher, I have a riddle for you," boasted Johnny. "Let's say three women are at a bar and they each order a single scoop ice cream cone. The first one eats it by gently licking it around the edges, the second slowly sucks the ice cream off the cone from the top, and the third gobbles the top and then sucks the rest out of the cone. Which one is married?"
After a few seconds of contemplation, the teacher replied, "Well, I think it must be the third, the one that gobbles the top and sucks out the inside." Johnny responded, "No, teacher, you're wrong -- it's the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think."


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Is Hell exothermic or endothermic???


This is forwarded from a graduate of the University of Oklahoma Chemical Engineering Dept., citing one of the test questions for his final exam of 1997. The particular question setter is known for asking questions on his finals like: "Why do airplanes fly?"

In May 1997, the "Momentum, Heat, and Mass Transfer II" final exam question was: "Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant.

One student, however wrote the following: "First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it does not leave. "Therefore, no souls are leaving."

As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some religions say that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

"With the birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. "Now, we look at the rate of change in the volume of Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of the souls and volume needs to stay constant.

[A1] So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

[A2] Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase in souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

"So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa Banyan during freshman year, that 'It'll be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and taking into account that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then [A2] cannot be true;..... thus, Hell is exothermic."

The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.


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The Babysitter's Phone Call


The babysitter had just put the children to bed and settled down to watch TV when the phone rang. It was a heavy breather, a really creepy heavy breather. She hung the phone up immediately and hoped it wouldn't happen again. But five minutes later the phone rang, and it's the heavy breather laughing. She hangs up but it rings again. This time the caller says in a hoarse and menacing voice, "Aren't you going to check on the children?"

The babysitter freaks out and calls the operator, who tells her to keep the caller on the line the next time so they can trace the call. So the babysitter does just what she was told to do. And the operator calls back and says, "Get out of the house!! Get out of the house!! Get the children and get out of the house!! The call is coming from a different phone line in the house!" The girl runs to get the children but they are lying in pool of blood. Their throats had been slit. The babysitter jumps out a window and runs to safety.


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The Thoughtful Roommate


Two friends moved to New York, and because rent is so high, they had to share a studio apartment. Liz was a real party girl and Susie was a stay-at-home type. It was Friday night, and Liz was heading out for another wild night on the town, when she invited Susie to come along. Susie declined and said she was going to read and then go to bed early. Liz had been out at the local bar for a few hours when she drunkenly decided that she needed to put on more lipstick.

But she had left her lipstick in the apartment. Stumbling up the stairs, she quietly opened the door and went to get the lipstick without turning on the light, so as not to wake up Susie. It turned out that the lipstick did the trick and Liz found a companion for the evening. When she got home the next morning, she opened the door and screamed.

Susie's head had been cut off and was lying on the floor. Scrawled in her blood on the walls were the words "Aren't you glad you didn't turn on the light?"


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The Bad Guy in the Backseat


It was a dark and foggy night. Denise was having trouble staying awakeand the road was slick. Her anxiety level was not helped by the fact that she was running low on gas and didn't know where the next town was. Finally, just as she thought she would have to pull over and sleep till morning on the side of the road, a tiny gas station appeared--very rundown, but a gas station nonetheless. She pulled in.

The attendant made his way around the car and seemed to be very distracted as she asked him to fill it up, and even seemed to be making faces at her. He finally agreed to get the gas, but then asked her to pop the hood of the car because it "smelled like trouble. "Her anxiety from being on the road was starting to flare up again, she was all alone in a creepy gas station out in the middle of nowhere and an attendant was finding reasons to keep her there.

He asked her to come look at the engine, he had to "show her something". Not knowing what else to do, almost as if in a daze, she did as he asked, all the while wondering why she didn't scream. As she rounded the front of the car he grabbed her arm and said, "This car needs a tow, you'll have to come with me into the officer". Then he put his hand over her mouth and forced her into the office.

She began to bite his hand once they were inside and he let her go and said, I'm sorry, but there is a man crouched down in the backseat of your car and I didn't want him to know that I'd seen him."

They called the police who came to arrest the serial killer who, unbeknownst to Denise, had stowed away in her car and was waiting for the opportune moment to add her to his list of victims. Denise and the gas attendant now own the station and their three kids help them with the chores. Isn't that sweet?


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Attempted Mall Murder


Ethel had been having the time of her life in the mall. How she loved all the shops! Things for sale! Whoopee! Alas, it was time for her to return home to make George's dinner, meatloaf and beets. She made her way out to the parking lot... As she approached her Continental, she saw a clean cut young man holding a briefcase standing next to her gleaming gas guzzler.

"Is this your car, ma'am," he politely asked. She told him it was indeed, didn't the license plate say Ethel and wasn't that her name? The young man laughed and said, "I'm sorry to trouble you but I have been standing at your car for a good while. I chased away some young men trying to break into it and I wanted to make sure they didn't come back."

Ethel gasped and put her hand up to her mouth. She regained her composure and thanked the young man profusely. Shifting her gigantic yellow purse over her shoulder, she made her way around the car and got into the driver's seat. Then the young man haltingly asked, "I missed my bus whilst waiting for you...do you think you could give me a ride? My girlfriend is waiting for me at the bus station." Ethel thought that it would be un-American to strand this poor boy who had done her such a great service. So he throws his bag onto the rear seat and sits in the passenger seat.

Suddenly, realising she has a total stranger sitting next to her Etehl feels unnerved. "What a mistake,"she thinks. "He could be anybody!" She batted her fake eyelashes at him and asked if he would be so kind as to direct her out of the tiny parking space. So he gets out of the car and stands at the rear and guides her out of the space. As she pulls out she suddenly accelerates away and leaves him standing in the parking lot.

She drives home as quickly as she can and only upon unloading the car realises his bag is still on the rear seat. She looks into the bag and finds a rope, some handcuffs and a mask! And worst of all, a loaded gun! Ethel made George's meatloaf and beets knowing she was lucky to be alive...


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The Vanishing Hitchhiker


A carload of guys going stag to the prom (now, isn't that suspicious?) pick up a beautiful young woman hitchhiking. She doesn't have any plans for the evening, so she accompanies them to the prom and dances with all of them. Yet despite the summer evening, and despite the tuxedo jacket that one of them lends her, she's still cold. When it's time to go home, they drop her off on the pleasant tree-lined street in front of the quiet house she requests.

Next day, the guy whose jacket she borrowed goes to collect it. The middle-aged woman who answers the door looks surprised, and then shows a photograph of the hitchhiking beauty, who was, of course, killed in a car accident twenty years earlier on the same stretch of road where the guys picked her up.


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La Charona


It is always a wonderful experience to camp in the wilds, especially under the stars in the southwest, with the warm summer winds to embrace you throughout the night. Yet one must always be on guard for "La Charona". She brutally murdered her own children one lonely night while waiting for a lover/husband to return. Feeling lost and abandoned she took an axe and mutilated the bodies of her own children.

After seeing the results of her handiwork, she went stark raving mad.Now she roams campgrounds and campsites in search of her two lost children. She will look into their eyes she will recognize them. So NEVER sleep on your back while camping.

"La Charona" waits over the faces of sleeping campers so that when they open their eyes in the morning she can see if they are her children. She will wait all night ... she will wait very quietly she will wait for YOU!!!!!


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San Antonio Bus Tragedy


Visiting San Antonio? You don't want to miss this site. A bus driver was bringing a group of elementary school kids to school one morning. As he was crossing the railroad tracks, the bus had stalled. All the children got out and tried to push the bus across the tracks. Before they knew it a train came and killed everyone, except for the bus driver.

Now, people come to the site to witness a hair raising experience. First you must sprinkle baby powder on the trunk and bumper of your car. Then drive your car so it is situated on the middle of the tracks. Put your car in neutral and wait. Notice that there are no hills around.

About ten to fifteen minutes later you will feel your car jerk forward, and then slowly move off the tracks. When you step out your car look at your trunk and bumper. There you will see many little hand prints. Just a helping hand!


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Love


I am attracted to you
Like an electron to a proton
Together we form an ionic bond
Though we are opposite charged ions
I am drawn towards you

Our love is unique as an orbital
For only two electrons can fill this space
As my love for you increases
My energy level rises
I am in this excited state
Increasing the tendency to form a chemical bond

I was an element
It took you to make me a compound substance
Falling in love with you is a chemical reaction
Which cause my love for you to grow
Ours is an exothermic love
Each for giving off love not just absorbing it

Sometimes you do something especially nice
Which speeds up the chemical process
Like a catalyst in my increasing love for you
I realise we have our inhibition periods
And sometimes I am selfish enough
To be an endothermic reaction
Only absorbing your love

The feeling I have for you is so intense
It cannot be measured in kilojoules
Often I have to make a qualitative elementary analysis
To understand and love you more
But I don't expect to know your empirical formula
You are too complex a person for that

When you are gone
I am a noble gas
An inert substance
When I am without you
The world seems still
And I am at equilibrium


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Chemical Definition of the element Woman (Wo)


Element: Woman

Symbol: Wo

Discoverer: Adam

Atomic mass: Accepted as 53.6 kg, may vary from 40-200kg

Occurrence: Copious quantities in all urban areas


Physical properties

1. Surface usually covered in painted film

2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason

3. Melts if given special treatment

4. Bitter if incorrectly used

5. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore

6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points


Chemical properties

1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones

2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances

3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason

4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.

5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man


Common uses

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars

2. Can be a great aid to relaxation

3. Very effective cleaning agent


Tests

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state

2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen


Potential hazards

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands

2. Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

WARNING: PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE PHYSICAL, MENTAL, AND FINANCIAL DAMAGE


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Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter


Rule One

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five

In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


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Last Wish


On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse, when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. She stands up in the front of the plane, and screams, "I'm too young to die!" Twice more she wails, "I'm too young to die! I'm too young to die!" She shakes and sobs for a just a moment, and then gathers her courage and continues, "Well if I'm going to die I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've HAD IT! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. All the passengers have forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman." He's gorgeous: Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Her lips part slightly. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches the trembling woman, and extends his arm and holds his shirt out and whispers ... "Iron this."


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A smart love letter


This is a love letter from a boy to a girl....
However, the girl's father does not like him and want them stop the relationship......
So the boy wrote this letter to the little girl.

1. "The great love that I have for you

2. is gone, and I find my dislike for you

3. grows every day. When I see you,

4. I do not even like your face;

5. the one thing that I want to do is to

6. look at other girls. I never wanted to

7. marry you. Our last conversation

8. was very boring and has not

9. made me look forward to seeing you again.

10. You think only of yourself

11. If we were married, I know that I would find

12. life very difficult, and I would have no

13. pleasure in living with you. I have a heart

14. to give, but it is not something that

15. I want to give to you. No one is more

16. foolish and selfish than you, and you are not

17. able to care for me and help.

18. I sincerely want you to understand that

19. I speak the truth. You will do me a favor

20. if you think this the end. Do not try

21. to answer this. Your letters are full of

22. things that do not interest me. You have no

23. true love for me. Good-bye! Believe me,

24. I do not care for you. Please do not think that

25. I am still your boyfriend."

So bad..... However, the boy told the girl before to "READ BETWEEN THE LINES", meaning only to read 1.3.5.7.9.11.13...... So... Please read it again!....it's so smart n sweet...

And guys out there, it may be useful to you...So take note... HaHa...

Girls, take note too...your boyfriend might send you this letter so don't misunderstood him. Know the true meaning of his love letter.


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Inspirational Moments


It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is more painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let that person know how you feel.

When the door of happiness closes, another opens but oftentimes we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.

It is true that we don't know what we have got until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back! Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours.

There are things you'd love to hear that you would never hear from the person whom you would like to hear them from, but don't be so deaf as not to hear it from the one who says it from his heart.

Never say good-bye if you still want to try. Never give up if you still feel you can go on. Never say you don't love a person anymore if you can't let go.

Love comes to those who still hope although they've been disappointed; to those who still believe, although they've been betrayed; to those who still need to love, although they've been hurt before; and to those who have the courage and faith to build trust again.

It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

Dreams what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be; because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seems bright. Hope you find the one that makes you smile.


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Family Planning - The Sikh style


(An open letter from a Sikh patient to his family doctor)

Hi doc,

As you know, when I first got married 11 years ago, me and my wife came to see you to consult on family planning. We do not plan to have kids and we asked you for advise. You told us to try birth CONTROL methods. Tried as hard as I can, I couldn't help controlling myself from ejaculating and my wife got pregnant. So we got our first child.

You then advised us to try ORAL contraceptives before sex. We did and yet my wife got pregnant. I failed to see how licking and sucking each other before sex can prevent her from getting pregnant!

After the birth of our second child we went to see you again for advice. You told us my wife has to be ON the PILL and she did. Yet a few weeks later we found out she was pregnant. I failed then to see how lying on top of the pill while having sex can prevent her from getting pregnant.

After the birth of our third child, we came to see you again. You told her to TAKE IN the PILL before sex this time. She did as you said and yet she got pregnant. I failed to see, even as enjoyed it, how putting the pill in her you-know- where before sex can prevent her from getting pregnant.

After the birth of our fourth child, you told us to try the RHYTHM method and we followed strictly as you prescribed. It was very tough but somehow we managed. Yet my wife got pregnant again. I failed to see how dancing the rumba , chacha and the tango while having sex can help to prevent her from getting pregnant. So we got our fifth child.

You then suggested I put on condoms before sex. You even taught me how to put them on. Yet, my wife got pregnant again. I simply don't understand how putting French caps on my index finger as you taught me can prevent her from getting pregnant. My sixth child was a boy.

You then told me that I should have put the French caps on my "head" instead. We tried that too, and I nearly died of suffocation. I realized now which sane man would want to belief that putting condoms over your head while having sex would prevent your wife from getting pregnant, even though it nearly succeeded. So our seventh child was born.

We went to see you again. You advised us to CHANGE methods. We did, and yet my wife got pregnant and she had our eighth child. Failed to see how changing from the normal missionary method to the doggie-style and other methods can prevent her from getting pregnant.

Next you advised us to practice TOTAL ABSTINENCE. We strictly abstained from taking all foods and liquids before sex until we were so weak and exhausted. Yet we got our ninth child nine months later.

You then advised us to try the ALTERNATE methods of birth control. We did that too, and yet my wife got pregnant. I fail to understand how having sex on alternate days and on alternate sides can prevent her from getting pregnant. My wife cried on the alternate days which made me alternate from being very happy to very sad. My tenth child was just born yesterday.

Dear Doctor, I no longer believe in you and your birth control methods. I have seen a lawyer and I'll be suing you for giving us false advise.

You'll be hearing from my lawyers Messrs. Karpal Singh soon ...


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Smart Replies


Al Capp, creator of the famous comic strip Lil Abner, was one day invited to a university to give a lecture to the students. Before he could begin speaking to the large group assembled in the auditorium a very unkempt-looking student at the back shouted a vulgar word at him. The word rang in everyone's ears. There was a shocked silence but Capp, keeping his composure, said : " Now that you've given us your name, what's your question ?"

A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival. The street was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily " I never make way for fools !" Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said :" I always do."

A politician, who was very small-sized, was often derided by an opponent, a tall, well-built man. One day the opponent walked up to him, looked down sneeringly and said loudly :" You know, I could just swallow you up !" " In that event," said the little fellow, looking up," you would have more brains in your stomach than you'll ever have in your head!"

At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything. When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked :" Is this pig?" Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly :"Which end of the fork are you refering to ?"

The ultimate repartee must be that of R.B. Sheridan, the political enemy of William Pitt. Pitt was provoked one day to say to him scornfully: "You will come to your end upon the gallows or of a venereal disease." "That depends, Mr Pitt," replied Sheridan,"on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."


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Bubba


Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch! "

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"


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Ah Beng Jokes


Something crazy about Ah Beng to brighten your day

Ah beng to a long-distance telephone operator: "COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN Taipei AND Las Vegas?" Operator: "JUST A MINUTE..." Ah beng: "THANK YOU," AND PUTS DOWN THE PHONE.

At a bar in New York, the man to Ah beng's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." & his companion says, "JACKDANIELS, SINGLE." The bartender approaches Ah beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?" Ah beng replies: "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED."

After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite some time, Ah beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend. "It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT," Ah beng brags. "FIVE MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG." the friend exclaims. "YOU ARE A FOOL". Ah beng replies. "SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7 YRS.".

Ah Beng took part in the Singapore Manhunt Competition. During the Q&A segment, the host asks, "Name a drink that begins with the letter G". The crowd shouts,"Gin! Gin!". Others exclaim, "No, its Grape Juice!" Another smart aleck yells,"Alamak, Gatorade!" Host : "Quiet please." Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena before replying, "C'mon man, you think I need their help? I got more oliginal answer : Guni !" (cow milk in hokkien)

Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was cursing it when he encountered some problems. He decide to use the 'Help' command after some tries. Soon after, he become very irritated and called the computer retailer for support. Ah Beng : "I pressed the 'F1' key for help ... but it's been over half an hour & still nobody has come to help me.


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Meaningful Love Quotes


Don't go for looks' it can deceive; don't go for wealth - even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile coz' only a smile makes a dark day seem bright. Hope you find that person.

There are moments in life when you really miss someone that you want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real! Hope you dream of that someone.

Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be coz' you have only one life and one chance.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trails to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and, enough hope to make you happy.

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door, that we don't see the one, which has been opened for us.

The best kind of friend is the one you could sit on a porch, or swing with, never saying a word, and then walk away, feeling like that was the best conversation you've had.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Always put yourself in other's shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably does hurt the person too.

A careless word may kindle strife; a cruel word may wreck a life; a timely word may level stress; a loving word may heal and bless.

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them with our own image -otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people, before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the right person, we should know how to be grateful for that gift.

It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people, who have touched their lives.

Love is when you take away the feeling, the passion, the romance, and you find out you still care for that person.

A sad thing about life is that when you meet someone, Who means a lot to you only to find out in the end, that it was never bound to be and you just have to let go.

Love starts with a smile, develops with a kiss and ends with a tear.

Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, need to love those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone, and never finding the courage to let the person know how you feel.

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

Never say goodbye when you still want to try, never give up when you still feel you can take it, never say you don't love that person anymore when you can't let go.

Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back! Don't expect love in return, just wait for it to grow in their hearts, but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours.

There are things you love to hear but you would never hear it, from the person whom you would like to hear it from, but don't be deaf to hear it from the person who says it with his heart.


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Trick your eyes





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Questions asked by Lawyers


Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"

A: "Yes."

Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

Q: "She had three children, right?"

A: "Yes."

Q: "How many were boys?"

A: "None."

Q: "Were there any girls?"

Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"

A: "Yes."

Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"

A: "I went to Europe, Sir."

Q: "And you took your new wife?"

Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"

A: "By death."

Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

Q: "Can you describe the individual?"

A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."

Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"

A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"

A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"

A: "Oral."

Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"

A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."

Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"

A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy"

Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"

A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"

A: "I have been since early childhood."

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

A: "No."

Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

A: "No."

Q: "Did you check for breathing?"

A: "No."

Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

A: "No."

Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"

A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

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3 Weddings & A Newspaper


A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding, she tells each one to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE". Mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mother is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES". So, the Mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE". And Mother is happy.

Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. After four weeks came the message: "BRITISH AIRWAYS". And mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted.

The ad reads: "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

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Diary of a mad viagra housewife


Day 1--Just celebrated our 25th anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2--Today he told me he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I DON'T know! I mean, give me a break! He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp!!

Day 3--This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs you know! Sometimes I need something too! Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears!

Day 4--A miracle has happened!! There's an new drug on the market that will fix his "problem". It's call Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He asked me if this time I would say HIS name at the "glorious moment".

Day 5--Oh what a glorious morning!! The sun is shining, the birds are singing. My needs have been fulfilled. Everything is perfect.

Day 6--Again?

Day 7--This Viagra thing is going to his head. (No pun intended) Yesterday, at Burger King, the kid behind the counter asked him if he wanted a whopper. He told him, "No thanks. I've already got one."

Day 8--I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new "friend" as a weed wacker.

Day 9--Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working anymore. What am I going to do?

Day 10--I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Black and Decker.

Day 11--I wish he was gay. I've bought him 20 Liza Minelli albums and the Sweatin' to the Oldies tape and he keeps coming after me.

Day 12--Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack!! It's like going to bed with a scud missile!

Day 13--I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing works. I even started dressing like a nun. He says penguins turn him on.

Day 14--I can't take it anymore. I think I'm going to have to kill him. I just worry about one thing--how will they ever get the lid to close on his casket??

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